White African

Will this be the last time I am going to Africa? I am trying to promise myself not to back like I have been doing again, though I have already begun to break the promise. Let me at least only go back to Tanzania to learn Swahili and to Kenya only if I have a job.

If you go too many times to Africa and take her seriously, then you will never again be able to go home. It will get to you and you will feel home nowhere. When you realize the situation, that you have brought yourself in, then it will be too late - you have already changed into a snake.

They have been going out a couple of times. Every time she brought some of her girlfriends along. He was not sure if it was a test. The first thought is always, that she is not comfortable to be alone with him, because they hardly know each other. Her girlfriends are protection against everything between awkward silence and rape. She doesn't bring the same girlfriends the second time, which makes him suspicious. Is she trying to fix him up with one of them? When it comes down to facts he wished that it had been the girlfriend from the first date. He liked Carol very much, and he even had fantasies about her. If it had been me, I would not have brought Carol along the second time. It is no mystery. On the second date she really tried to fix me up with one of her girlfriends. But that was maybe just a test? or? I didn't accept. The third date was very different. We were alone. Finally she went out with me - just me. I felt honored. There was a lot of silence. She wanted to know ...

Her color turns me on. As I watch her, I can see that she is not Kenyan. She must be American. In the beginning I was not sure. After a longer while looking at her she could ever be Danish. Only that she is black - but we also have become more colorful. It is her body. The ways she moves. Her eyes. The face. She is herself. Nothing is missing in her life. It is only the small boy being teased by his mom that will make her smile. Thinking about color make me crazy. It is an empty box. I am flying off the road. There will be women everywhere that throw themselves at you, if they want something. In am going in circles. Recently Nairobi seems to form the same circle every time I am here. The first couple of days I am asking myself, why I didn't stay home or went somewhere else. Later as I travel around in Kenya I cease to think, because I find different kind of entertainment. When I towards the end return to Nairobi I am relieved, but as soon as I arrive I become depressed. Not sure, i...

Every time I meet an African woman I get depressed. I am always leaving. It is hard. Is this a kind of cynicism? I am alone in an airplane going to a previous destination. I like my life - going places, but I can only do it alone.

I don't understand women, because I don't understand Africa. After all these years. How can I not understand? Maybe I don't want to. "All women want comfort." I am not the kind of man, that a woman will settle down with - I am the opposite of what many woman want. In the beginning women will feel attracted to me, but on the third date they will begin to be disappointed.

I see men travel the world - and nowadays some women follow in their footsteps. This seems to be the concept of equality between the sexes. They all fuck around - literary speaking, but it will not go on forever. It will stop for internal reasons. They think they are getting too old, or they feel morally compromised, though the real reason is, that it will stop making sense. There will be a woman that takes your breath away. It might be a simple question. In a split, a shaken heart or pure loneliness. Among all the men and women you meet no-one will comfort you. You are always hunting dead meat. One morning you will awake and be dead as well.

I'm never myself. Always on the run. Never taking a rest. You have to understand that being an Artist means to be a perversion of life. I'm an exception. It will be a burden - never will I be as everybody else. I still have a dream of being ordinary. I hate myself, but it is too late now. Why did I do it? There is no turning back. Why do you do it? I need to do it. "I am a Poet even before I am human." I disgust people. It is my job. I'm not human. Who do you think you are? Somebody divine? Soon it is all over, and I will be dead.

He can see that he is much more interesting than many other white men in Africa. Over the years he met many women who was cursed by beauty. Some a lot more than others. He never really understood them, or gave it a lot of thought. But after living a couple of years as a women, he knows it too well. I will not say that he is cursed by beauty, but some men has a similar curse. It makes them objects not for women's desire, but for women's strive for comfort. He attracts women's attention. Men have another curse, than women. It is not about looks, but it concerns the future. His experience was very simple. After the third date they became disappointed. He is not the kind of man that women want to settle down with, but he is interesting. On the third date they all realise, that he doesn't care about comfort. He likes challenge. He is always heading somewhere. He wants more. He wants the world, and he wants it now - a very masculine piece of mind.

I'm waiting for my Americano again. It is what I usually do, when I arrive. Many years ago I stopped drinking coffee above the clouds - it doesn't taste very good. I have to drink on ground even when I don't feel like coffee, because I never know when I will to get the next cup. But I always feel like drinking coffee. In that way I don't have any problems.

That is something you would tell your boyfriend ... not me ... that your battery is down.