Monday, 16 November 2009

Black men

It is a black man, who is offering me his seat in my local shawarma joint. In a world without reference point I am drawn back into my African home. He makes me cry, while I am flushing everything I ever believed in down the toilet.

Flying

I am in the midst of Europe - again. Here we don't have a clue about the world. We have lost every sense of relationship. Our own ideas are everything to us.

Friday, 25 September 2009

Women in black

When a black woman look into my eyes, then I remember, what I didn't know just a few years ago. It is in her eyes. I can never forget her. She thought that I could fulfill her wishes. but I didn't know her deepest dreams. They were hidden behind her breasts which I didn't ever dare to touch.

We were different in ways none of us ever would like to understand. Our eyes are the only thing we will have in common. Though we already know that we have betrayed each other by the lack of closeness.

I am looking at you, because it makes me feel closer to myself. The colour of your skin gives me comfort and reminds me of lost friends under the sun. Relationships in vain.

You look back at me to see what can come come out of it. You cannot afford to let an oppurtunity slide away. A man like me represents a valuable experience even if I end up dissappointing you.

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Belonging in tradition

I never cared about what other people thought OR I never took it into account, maybe because what I did was the only thing, I could do. I was never part of modernity, but trapped into tradition.

We live in the world, where the majority live, where we don't have a choice. We do, what we do, because this is our only option. I never belonged in Europe. I was dropped here by accident and my destiny was to always go away to seek my other heritage.

I belonged outside in remote places - but still I walked alone.

Talking in Africa

Especially in Africa women want to have somebody to talk to. In the beginning she might reject talking to you, because she is not used to talk to the man that she has sex with, but years down the road she will turn to you - only to talk with you.

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Continental love

I fell in love with a whole continent.
Even before I had seen most of it.
It was a dream I had in my mind since I was born.

Sunday, 28 June 2009

Coming back to my African home

I have been listening to Jimmy Katumba. It makes me remember Monday evenings "on the green". A big man coming on stage with his very big voice outdoing everybody else. Somebody out of the ordinary. May his soul rest in peace.

Luganda is a beautiful language - that give me eternal memories.

Saturday, 13 June 2009

Who am I?

You live in a parallel universe.

Sometimes you slide into
an extraterrestrial reality
and disappear.

I have dug so far down
into the unknown
that I don't know my way back.

Recently it has begun to attack my body.
I am heating up
feeling out of shape
bored like hell
my brain suffers a melt down.

I have no fever
it is all my illusion.
The blood test scares me
it is just my blood.

So many kisses
along the way.
Who was she?
I am just selling myself.

In the box

Why is Africa so scary?

In my Nordic past somewhere outside Oslo the self name Scandinavian Benjamin warned me against getting lost in the black hole he believed Africa to be.
Just yesterday somebody declared that he was pleased that I had begun to write about Vesterbro (the neighborhood in Copenhagen, where I now live) instead of my previous African stories. He continued confessing that he had been very annoyed by all this African stories of mine. Before I could say anything he began to talk about all the foreign aid we give Africa and they don't get anywhere. He was very angry. But I never wrote about that. I openly was very confused. Suddenly it stroke me that bringing stories about the unknown can be uncomfortable. We only want to hear what we already know. It was so pleasant to hear about coffee in central Copenhagen. Kind of depressing really. Not my agenda.

Is it really so terrible to just listening to somebody telling about African stuff?

Sunday, 24 May 2009

Africa unplugged

Will this be the last time I am going to Africa?

I am trying to promise myself not to back like I have been doing again, though I have already begun to break the promise.

Let me at least only go back to Tanzania to learn Swahili and to Kenya only if I have a job.

Brutality

If you go too many times to Africa and take her seriously, then you will never again be able to go home. It will get to you and you will feel home nowhere. When you realize the situation, that you have brought yourself in, then it will be too late - you have already changed into a snake.

Saturday, 23 May 2009

3rd date disappointments..

They have been going out a couple of times. Every time she brought some of her girlfriends along. He was not sure if it was a test. The first thought is always, that she is not comfortable to be alone with him, because they hardly know each other. Her girlfriends are protection against everything between awkward silence and rape. She doesn't bring the same girlfriends the second time, which makes him suspicious. Is she trying to fix him up with one of them? When it comes down to facts he wished that it had been the girlfriend from the first date. He liked Carol very much, and he even had fantasies about her. If it had been me, I would not have brought Carol along the second time. It is no mystery. On the second date she really tried to fix me up with one of her girlfriends. But that was maybe just a test? or? I didn't accept. The third date was very different. We were alone. Finally she went out with me - just me. I felt honored. There was a lot of silence. She wanted to know more about me. There is a tendency between us that we are always very trilled to meet each other, but when we actually meet, we get somehow disappointed in each other. It was more obvious on the third date, because we were alone with each other. It is not an unusual experience for me.I have that effect on many women. In the beginning I am interesting and different, but on the third date they realise that I am not kind of man that they want to settle down with. She said it herself: "All women want comfort". Whatever that means. I guess it means security - in the many different interpretations of the word. Either way I don't care much about security and comfort. Not that I mind, but it just don't come to my mind. After the third date I realize, that it is all about her security, and then it is too late.

She's not African

Her color turns me on. As I watch her, I can see that she is not Kenyan. She must be American. In the beginning I was not sure. After a longer while looking at her she could ever be Danish. Only that she is black - but we also have become more colorful.

It is her body. The ways she moves. Her eyes. The face. She is herself. Nothing is missing in her life. It is only the small boy being teased by his mom that will make her smile.

Thinking about color make me crazy. It is an empty box. I am flying off the road. There will be women everywhere that throw themselves at you, if they want something.

In am going in circles. Recently Nairobi seems to form the same circle every time I am here. The first couple of days I am asking myself, why I didn't stay home or went somewhere else. Later as I travel around in Kenya I cease to think, because I find different kind of entertainment. When I towards the end return to Nairobi I am relieved, but as soon as I arrive I become depressed. Not sure, if it is because I am going to leave Africa or other disappointments.

Black women

Every time I meet an African woman I get depressed.
I am always leaving. It is hard.

Is this a kind of cynicism?

I am alone in an airplane going to a previous destination.
I like my life - going places, but I can only do it alone.

African women

I don't understand women, because I don't understand Africa. After all these years. How can I not understand? Maybe I don't want to.

"All women want comfort."

I am not the kind of man, that a woman will settle down with - I am the opposite of what many woman want. In the beginning women will feel attracted to me, but on the third date they will begin to be disappointed.

Sunday, 17 May 2009

End of sexturisme?

I see men travel the world - and nowadays some women follow in their footsteps. This seems to be the concept of equality between the sexes. They all fuck around - literary speaking, but it will not go on forever. It will stop for internal reasons.

They think they are getting too old, or they feel morally compromised, though the real reason is, that it will stop making sense. There will be a woman that takes your breath away. It might be a simple question. In a split, a shaken heart or pure loneliness. Among all the men and women you meet no-one will comfort you. You are always hunting dead meat.

One morning you will awake and be dead as well.

Me, Myself, I.

I'm never myself. Always on the run. Never taking a rest.
You have to understand that being an Artist means to be a perversion of life.
I'm an exception. It will be a burden - never will I be as everybody else.
I still have a dream of being ordinary. I hate myself, but it is too late now.
Why did I do it? There is no turning back.
Why do you do it? I need to do it. "I am a Poet even before I am human."
I disgust people. It is my job. I'm not human. Who do you think you are? Somebody divine?
Soon it is all over, and I will be dead.

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Handsome

He can see that he is much more interesting than many other white men in Africa. Over the years he met many women who was cursed by beauty. Some a lot more than others. He never really understood them, or gave it a lot of thought. But after living a couple of years as a women, he knows it too well.
I will not say that he is cursed by beauty, but some men has a similar curse. It makes them objects not for women's desire, but for women's strive for comfort.
He attracts women's attention. Men have another curse, than women. It is not about looks, but it concerns the future.
His experience was very simple. After the third date they became disappointed. He is not the kind of man that women want to settle down with, but he is interesting. On the third date they all realise, that he doesn't care about comfort. He likes challenge. He is always heading somewhere. He wants more. He wants the world, and he wants it now - a very masculine piece of mind.

Coffee

I'm waiting for my Americano again. It is what I usually do, when I arrive.

Many years ago I stopped drinking coffee above the clouds - it doesn't taste very good.

I have to drink on ground even when I don't feel like coffee, because I never know when I will to get the next cup. But I always feel like drinking coffee. In that way I don't have any problems.

Telephone excuses

That is something you would tell your boyfriend ... not me ... that your battery is down.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Safari

She always asked me, if I had been on safari, every time she had not seen me for a while. I always found it strange, why she should assume that I would go and watch big animals, just because I am a white man. I told her, that I had not been on Safari - only on vacation. She shook her head and continued what she was doing. Later on I learned that safari is the Swahili word for any kind of trip or journey.

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Entertainment

I am sitting in Simba Restaurant in Nairobi International Airport. I am waiting for my next flight and I don't want to waste my time going into Nairobi. I have 5 hours. I turn on my PC. Here is no wireless, but it doesn't matter. The internet is a waste of time. I will rather write another story from (my) wild life i Africa.
I am happy to have found Simba Restaurant. Here is very peaceful. This is all I need. I am sitting in a sofa opposite the bar counter. Here is another sofa set next to me. Some men enter and sit down. They start talking. One of them is a very big and very black man. He is a typical Luo. I am looking at him. He reminds me of someone, but I cannot remember who it is. I forget it again very quickly. They continue their conversation.

One of them says: "In Africa there are entertainment everywhere - even in funerals".

He has a point. Africans know how to party and have fun even in the midst of misery or maybe especially when they are unhappy. We don't talk very long about our problems. Most of the time we will only tell about our problems, when we have already found solutions to them.

Later a man sit down next to me with his drink. We greet each other. Out of politeness I start a conversation with him. It is something I have learned in Africa, that I am supposed and expected to do in a situation like the one I am in now. I ask him if he is waiting a flight, but he tells me that he is escorting the Prime Minister. For a moment I ask myself: "Who is the Prime Minister in Kenya." In feel stupid as I realize that the big and black Luo man is Raila Odinga. I try not to stare too much at him as him and his party are leaving.

Thursday, 5 February 2009

So far apart

I know these two people. He loves her very much. Maybe more than anyone can bear to be loved. he just wants her to be happy. He wants to take care of her. There is only one problem: they are very far apart. It pains him more than he can explain to anyone - not even to her. She is very beautiful, but she cannot see it. He will never stop telling her, and she will always say that she is ugly. They are often talking into the blue air without listening, because they are so far away from each other. They do what they do to survive in their separate lives. It is not easy for them. He tries to be strong, and he tells himself that he just has to take good care of her. No matter how she reacts he must never think that she does not like him anymore. He is strong, but it is hard. She is very kind. She has big faith in God. He respects her. Never in his life has he met a woman who believes in something like she does. He has always been looking for a woman like her and will do anything not to loose her. Maybe he is doing too much. She does not like to talk and the longer they are apart the less she talks. Her behaviour of not saying anything is very radical under the circumstances. Her silience on the phone and letters of only white pages. He feels he is loosing her. He knows it is not true, but he it still scares him. He knows that he just has to keep on talking to her and it will be all right. One day they will not be separated anymore. It gives him hope that some day they will be together forever. He tries to cheer her up, but he still cries every night when he falls asleep.

Remembering "Paris, Texas" Wim Wenders.

Saturday, 31 January 2009

Alive

I only live in that moment where the words come out of my mouth.
I am a poet even before I am human.
I owe her for this - a muslim woman from myspace: Neelofer Mir

Coming back to Europe

Ten years later he expresses his gratitude to the people and the places that destroyed his European world view. (Tørk Haxthausen: "Hos de Sorte")

I would have died in Africa. (Corinne Hofmann: "Back from Africa")

I have been leaving Africa for 4 years, but I am still trying to go home ...

Found and lost

I get so many beautiful things in Africa, but they are so easily lost again. I seem not to be able to hold on to her for very long time. She slips through my fingers as if she was never really here. I don't even see her before it is all over. It makes me sad for a while until the next women comes around to sweet me up and the story can rewind. I have been forwarded to a new irony.

Flying in Africa

You can enjoy life in Africa, if you choose. It will cost a lot of money, but you will meet more people like yourself. They are rich, and they like using money on convenience. They prefer to have privacy and a piece of mind. You will not get to know them right away, and it will be pure luck to meet them at all.

Friday, 30 January 2009

Too many women in Africa

What can he possibly want with them. If it was just sex, but he makes the mistake of implying a relationship to everyone of them. It will be a burden in his heart. He pretends that she hurts him, but there will always be another one to cheer him up.

Thursday, 22 January 2009

Paradise

I will soon be leaving Paradise. It is very hot and I am already heated up until the limit. Here are warm water and soft skin. I will go into the cold winter. It is my destiny to always come and go.

Trusting you...

We meet and think that we know each other a lot more than reasonable. I tell you about myself. You continue to ask me the same questions again and again. You are cautious and push me away every time I try to kiss you.

Something in the past has made you insecure and fragile. You cannot trust me, but there is nothing I can say that will convince you about my sincerity.

You will have to watch me - regarde moi.

Woman in Europe

The Chinese waitress is being protected by her colleagues - here will always be an European man mistaken her kindness for love.